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Friday, December 28, 2007

why can't

why can't i do what i know to do
how long does romans 7 last on the same issues
what is the trigger to make romans 8 come

the current sin is
when i am offended for whatever reason
i sulk and withdraw (like a 3 year old)
so why can't
i be so filled with the love of Jesus and the knowledge of His sovereignity
that no matter what happens that is what flows out of me
why can't i

Thursday, December 20, 2007

the payoff

July 29th i started this blog and this was part of the purpose recorded on that day

My mission:To keep this blog honest open and transparent, which will probably mean ugly and filled with many frustrations and moments of ...crap.

so the last couple of posts have been ... well less than "happy happy joy joy"

but a breakthrough, a 'payoff' came this morning as i got up early popped open my Bible and spent some time in 5,6,7 of Proverbs, God was able to speak to me
to point out to me the root of the sin of not loving in the sense of Phil 2:3 "considering others more important than yourself" actually 2 roots i guess
#1 Not truly valuing others, so that i talked myself into NOT laying down my life because others are just going to 'waste' my sacrifice
#2 is connnected, not believing that GOD the sovereign good God would pick me up and provide for me with love and extravagant affection and i do not have to protect myself
so going back a few blogs those are the cures for the sins of selfishness and fear that were at the root of most of my struggles
sooooooooooooo praise God, now Lord, help me, enable me, to walk out these truths and to choose to obey You and love others and trust You every every every every step of the way.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead.

Phillipians 2:3, the MOST Glaring lack in the "church" today
It is rarely seen
rarely modeled
on an individual level
I have never seen it on a corporate level
and the stench of it missing on a "people who run and are 'stars' of conferences"
level is gross (Heidi Baker being the exception)

It is missing in my life and that too is sin.
A couple versions of that verse to get the WHOLE meaning
Don't be selfish; don't live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. NLT
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. NIV
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; NASB
Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. The message

the lack of it shows the lack of love
and when love is lacking
God calls all the wonderful results and programs VOMIT!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

thanks eugene

eugene peterson that is translator of "the message"
two thoughts from a devotional by him
expanding on the scripture
"every good and perfect gift comes from above"
he states
"Therefore I don't have to be anxious. In a world of grace I do not live in laborious struggle trying to fashion a world that suits my needs and desires..... I simply discover and receive."

and here in is my greatest sin, the grumpy, mean-spirited, "this isn't all working out the way i wanted it to" thing... so i punish those around me by being short and annoyed with whatever situation is "not to my liking" silly, selfish, childish... i could go on but the main thing is
sinful... God is sovereign God is good I simply discover and receive....

the second thought

relates to the scripture
"grow in the grace and understanding of our Lord Jesus Christ"

our walk in God is described as growth, the change in our nature is immediate when being born again, but the change in "who we are" is an issue of perservering growth, choices, submission to the will of God, obedience when disobeying is so so so so so much easier

Sunday, December 9, 2007


well praise God, the "end times" discussion went well
and some did "reach up" to the truth that I was pointing to
and we did "just read" Matthew 24 and 2 Thes. 2
and the implication that Post-trib is the truth became
clear to those who were "reaching"

that was good and encouraging

then we had friends over after supper, and they were
very "easy to get to know" people so it was enjoyable

Saturday, December 8, 2007


leading a discussion of the "end times" tommorow at church
i'll have about 30 minutes
i "need" hours or better yet
the true presence of God for 30 minutes
i always aim "higher" than my audience is
hoping that some will choose to jump, to look up,
to reach out for more truth

be it unto me (done to me) according to Your Will
i guess that is the key
take control Lord, i do not look on this "event" lightly

Thursday, December 6, 2007

i am blessed

a wonderful wife
great kids who receive instruction and love and are eager to please and "do right"
friends who would "take a bullet"
for me
a Bible that i can read
a good church
a loving patient kind slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness God
i am blessed

now Lord, make my attitude and mannerisms show it
let be known for my joy, true deep joy

Saturday, December 1, 2007

the necessary failure

there is a "failure" that is necessary
a failure of the flesh, our own attempts to
overcome sin, temptation, fear, pride, anything
without a total surrender to, and relying on, Jesus
and His finished work of grace

if your good idea, or method gets the
credit/glory and not Him, then there has to
be a failure at some point, in order for the ONE
who is worthy of all glory to get all Glory!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

back log

from art katz, an interesting thing to contemplate
the tree of life in the garden of eden, may have had some aspect of "death"
much as the cross was necessary for life to come to us, and so the
tree of the knowledge of good and evil may have appeared alot more attractive

bottom line on that thought, be very aware when you speak or act without prayer, time with God, leading from God, ... you are most likely acting from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and you don't know or are not accessing the tree of LIFE///

"Holy Holy Holy" ..."Worthy is the Lamb that was slain.." It would do us good to contemplate that no matter what the ups and downs are that are happening here in this passing world the songs in heaven NEVER change their tone or message... Maturity is measured in the ability to love and stay steady, and trusting in God no matter what the circumstances..///

Grace, rejoice, how often i fall into trouble when i forget how grateful and in love with God i should be based on His Amazing Grace, the depth of my evil, should cause the height of my praise to His glorious grace///

recently i spent some time with God just seeking to get to the root of 6 or 7 problems that i have identified in my life and i was suprised to see "fear" show up as the root as often as selfishness
only "lack of Love" which showed up once broke up the pattern of fear and selfishness...
my personality is to "control" and the fear rises when situations and people feel out of control

so God continue to help me recognize the roots and You, my loving God, take them out.///

Last thing Oswald "God never gives us discernment in order that we may criticize, but that we may intercede."

thanks for reading my ramblings ... hope they are somehow a blessing

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

i don't know, but i think

this little passage from Jeremiah rebukes Judah for falling into the same sin as Israel
even after Judah saw how God punished Israel
it reminds me of the errors of the institutional catholic church, that have now been totally copied by the institutional protestant church
God always keeps a remnant, by His Grace
so pour out Your Grace and Mercy on us Loving Father, we need it!!

"Have you seen what faithless Israel did? She went up on every high hill and under every green tree, and she was a harlot there.
Jer 3:7
"I thought, 'After she has done all these things she will return to Me'; but she did not return, and her treacherous sister Judah saw it.
Jer 3:8
"And I saw that for all the adulteries of faithless Israel, I had sent her away and given her a writ of divorce, yet her treacherous sister Judah did not fear; but she went and was a harlot also.
Jer 3:9
"Because of the lightness of her harlotry, she polluted the land and committed adultery with stones and trees.
Jer 3:10
"Yet in spite of all this her treacherous sister Judah did not return to Me with all her heart, but rather in deception," declares the LORD.
Jer 3:11
And the LORD said to me, "Faithless Israel has proved herself more righteous than treacherous Judah.

and on a much more "one persons struggle" note
view this video and weep at God's faithfulness to carry little Charli and her family thru cancer

Monday, November 12, 2007

my desire

my desire is to be given a new heart by my Loving Powerful God
a new heart that uses my "free-time" to receive and give out His Love
a new heart that "loves God and hates sin"
a new heart that speaks the truth with uncompromising unafraid boldness
a new heart that apologizes and quickly makes things right when they are wrong
a new heart that laughs and enjoys the simple pleasures
a new heart that carries the burden of the Lord, without appearing burdened
a new heart that has a lazer focus on what is truly important
a new heart that chooses to dwell on the good, pure, true, right, honorable, lovely
thank you God, it is You who gives the new heart, my part is to ask,
so thank you God for a new heart, continue to renew and transform me into the image
of Your Son Jesus.

and just a short question for the current news item,.. the financial investigation
of tv preachers...
If the gospel you preach promises financial prosperity to people, shouldn't you
be more than happy to "brag about" how rich Jesus has made you, so that you
can show how well your "gospel" is working?
seriously this is a wonderful opportunity for each one of these ministries to repent
and say, "Wow we got way off track from the hard and narrow way of Jesus, sorry."
I pray that at least one of them will see the light and do this.

Friday, November 9, 2007

the burden

the true prophets carrying the true message
are all pointing to an absolute collapse of the USA
what can be shaken will be shaken

but it's ok

as i have been sharing with the kids in kids church
the God of Gideon and Elisha loves putting His people
in a position where all the odds are against them
and then... and then... and then...
He comes thru for His Name-sake and recieves all the glory

so "fear not little flock, continue to hear, know and obey His voice"
trials lead to joy
and ultimate trials lead to ultimate joy!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

confirmation for prayer

October 8, 2007 my blog spoke of
"then i wondered does this mean the series of attacks or evil works that are going to be inflicted on this country will be done by the hands of children, and that will be all the more shocking and also will be how the events "slip past" the security that is in place..."
today Nov. 5, 2007 this headline and article was on
Kids Groomed for Terror Attacks
article at

so the call to prayer is that these evil schemes would be uncovered and the children saved
I can't imagine any other reason for the "warning" that I feel.

Monday, October 29, 2007

move when God moves

2 things to share today
another lesson from my 2 1/2 year old daughter
she was standing in my shadow and then i moved and she said "ahhhhh, you moved"
and i said, "if you want to stay in my shadow you have to move when i move"
and i got it once again, that God was speaking to me too

the other thing has been "germinating" for a couple days
it is simply, part of the priesthood of God is that He does the choosing
He makes a sovereign choice and so we need never doubt
Where you are is where He wants you to be, and the grace to be His light
in that situation is available a-v-a-i-l-a-b-l-e

Friday, October 26, 2007

Grace and Peace

so if something occurs 17 times in the New Testament
if Paul, Peter and John all use the phrase, surely you would
have heard many sermons on it,

Grace and Peace

17 times, a greeting, a blessing on those about to here the word or read the letter
usually the 2nd sentence never later than the 4th verse

Grace... all Him, His choosing, His empowerment, His desire placed in you
Peace... a very deep knowing that the truly Good God is in complete control over all events
and He is working it out for the Ultimate Good
the Ultimate Good.... to bring glory to God

so Grace and Peace to you my readers
let it sink in
let it be more real than this passing world we live in
Grace and Peace

for much more on grace visit
excellent teaching that gave me a foundation in grace that i have steadfastly refused to back down from, because once you have tasted grace everything else..... isn't!

Thursday, October 25, 2007


It has been a very long time since I truly liked
a presidential candidate, but this guy Mike Huckabee
seems like a genuine guy with some good ideas and
real morals. (actually I don't know how he got this
far in politics). But anyway, I'm throwing the full
weight of my support behind him.
Go Mike!!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007


"to those who overcome..."
Trust in the goodness and timing of your loving God.
hang in there
The rewards for steadfast trust and obedience are magnificent.
The praise that God gives to those who choose to trust and
perservere is repeated over and over.
He holds this quality in high regard, there is no better reason
to choose to hang in there than this... it will bring joy to Daddy's heart.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

out of nothing

God creates out of nothing
From absolutely nothingness He is able to create something

what a comforting thought that was to me today as i fell
into temptation and sin, and felt all "yucky"

God can "create in me a clean heart" even though
all i can hand Him is a stony heart, He can
out of nothingness
create a beautiful, obedient, loving clean heart!!

thank you God

Saturday, October 13, 2007

oswald and daddy's hand

"Spiritual truth is learned by atmosphere, not by intellectual reasoning" oswald

wow, that one takes awhile to digest, but the truth of what he is saying is we learn
by being with God, by stopping and getting His wisdom, His perspective, not by
reasoning the whole thing out

so Patience (2 1/2) was walking with me yesterday and tried to walk on a skinny piece of wood
without much success on the way to the grocery store, but on the way back i asked her to hold
my hand and try and she made it all the way over with no problem

"see how much easier it is when you are holding daddy's hand"...
and then i learned too!!

Friday, October 12, 2007

seek for more understanding

so regarding the last post
i will seek for more understanding and
more specifics
so that the "word of God" can truly be a help
to people and a glory to His Name

Monday, October 8, 2007

now what do i do?

i was praying and sensing the fact that our economy is built on a spider web and then the thought came that a spider web can be broken by a child and then there was a like a "heavy pause" in my thoughts ... sort of a "that was a significant, maybe even prophetic word".... moment...then i wondered does this mean the series of attacks or evil works that are going to be inflicted on this country will be done by the hands of children, and that will be all the more shocking and also will be how the events "slip past" the security that is in place...
and then my mind started swirling if this is the case what am i supposed to do with it ..why tell me, I have no "power" with the FBI or the agencies charged with finding out this stuff why tell me, should i pray more for specifics to pray against or should i simply pray for lives to be spared or is this the judgement of God that needs to happen in order to bring our nation to the "next step" and should i simply pray that He redeems all that happens

alot of questions,
If any of you lacks wisdom....

Friday, October 5, 2007

thanks for helping

after receiving "help" from two of my youngest kids yesterday
and thanking them for that help

i became more grateful for God's father heart of love, for me,
and the many times He has thanked me for some equally "unhelpful"
help that I have given to His kingdom

If we can only keep His LOVE in the forefront of all we think and do.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

a dog

so felt the need to post something a little
because that was part of the original purpose of this
blog to be brutally honest
we can only be healed and forgiven when we are honest
with where we are

our dog is currently outside barking at a person who is so far away they are almost in another state (literally), they pose no real threat and are not a danger to us at all, but on and on he barks

how often do i bark at stuff that doesn't really matter
how often do i make my wife or kids "feel bad" by words that
just spill out of a stony heart
how often do i miss opportunities to play or pray or love or make a "moment to remember" because i choose to bark at nothing

this week at church i'm supposed to lead a discussion on "grace in the home" and in kids' church i am doing a lesson on the 'gideon' story "do not be afraid" theme
this week in our lives a young girl is in the hospital who has "passed out" and the dr's don't know why, an email arrived asking for prayer for a 5 year old who is having "strokes" and the Dr's don't know why, charli's (1 year old) battle with cancer is a blog i frequent, voice of the martyrs email arrives with more stories of Christians who have been killed or jailed this week just because they love Jesus... all these things are out there and the call is to be sold out for God, in such a close loving relationship with Him that our hearts "beat as one"... that i can be a pure clean vessel of His words, His love, His power...

it ain't happening

and the time is short

Monday, October 1, 2007

daddy's shadow

got a creative idea for the picture
that will stay with this blog

i noticed how i could use my shadow to
protect Judah's skin from the sun

and then the whole "cloud by day, fire by night"
thing came to mind

and on a more simple level... how I live my
life in the protective shadow of MY FATHER

thank you Father for your unchanging, unbeatable,
amazing love

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

repeat after me

Here is a neat thing i did on the way home from work today
I took this thought
"I am not seperated from my Father's love."
and I repeated it over and over each time emphasizing
the next word, like this
"I am not seperated from my Father's love."
"I AM not seperated from my Father's love."
"I AM NOT seperated from my Father's love."
"I AM NOT SEPERATED from my Father's love."
"I AM NOT SEPERATED FROM my Father's love."

Wow it was good for me, try it I hope it will be good for you
I hope that powerful truth gets deep deep into our souls
so that the storms that are coming and are happening every day
CAN NOT rock our boat, or shake our foundation

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

the pain of true love

So Jesus is coming back for a pure spotless bride
the church is generally lost and impure, grace is preserving
a remnant, grace is preparing the saints for a series of
very hard trials, that will force us to walk by faith, to trust
with no physical reason to trust

tribulation is the path to purification

the Bible speaks of a great falling away
the Bible speaks of lawlessness so bad that the "agape" love
of many grows cold (only a Christian can "fall away")
(only a Christian can have "agape" love in the first place)

the Jews conveniently ignored the scriptures about a suffering
Messiah and clung to the ones about a King

the Christians of today conveniently ignore the Matthew 24 trials,
the life of tribulation that Paul lived, the martyrs death of 11 of
the apostles, the whole context of 1 Thessalonians and a true reading of
Chapter 5 which is right after the "rapture" verse (1 Thes. 4:17)
1 Thes. 5:3-11 is specifically warning against those who prophesy "peace and
safety" ... those who are asleep... yes yes verse 9 says we are "not destined
for wrath", but that wrath is eternal damnation NOT a period of tribulation
here on the earth, the proof of this is that "wrath" is contrasted with "salvation
throught our Lord Jesus" so that is eternal ... right?

the blindness is caused by our natural human self-love

we are here to glorify God and He alone chooses how that will happen

put in a very hard time and place, exercising great faith (because there is
absolutely nothing else to trust in) and living
in peace that passes understanding and loving those who actively hate
us... yeh that sounds to me like a life that glorifies God

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Isaiah 42 RESTORE!

ISAIAH 42:22
But this is a people plundered and despoiled; All of them are trapped in caves, Or are hidden away in prisons; They have become a prey with none to deliver {them,} And a spoil, with none to say, "Give {them} back!"

so Shout and i mean SHOUT!!
to something or someone today

be led of the Spirit and speak it into the heavens today!!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

"Follow Me"

oswald gives us the word for the day
"Do you continue to go with Jesus? The way lies through Gethsemane, through the city gate, outside the camp; the way lies alone, and the way lies until there is no trace of a footstep left, only the voice, "Follow Me."
thank you oswald for your reminders
the high call is an ascent, a climbing upward, against gravity... involving a "by the grace of God, I worked harder than all of them"
So Stand and having done all Stand some more...

Sunday, September 16, 2007

so God

so God just randomly took me to another blog and it was
about a baby girl fighting cancer and
now that i am wiped out

i just pray

that i can get off my silly high horse

and love

love the people God has blessed me with

and let all the other crap go

Is that a good prayer????

I think it is!!!!!!!!!!!

a star

a little star is still a star

that 'tiny revelation' came to me tonight looking up at the sky
( while leaving the dog out for a 'potty break' )

the point to my heart was, it is not my concern whether or not
the master has made my star "big or small" but simply to rejoice
in Him, to rejoice that He has chosen to make me a star at all,
to rejoice in His choice
His sovereign choosing of me
to put the focus where it belongs on Him and His grace
not me

and an additional thing is this

the way the star appears depends on where I am looking at it from
in other words there are places in the universe where that "little twinkling star" would be closer and larger than the other stars

in any case, thank you God that my name is written in the Lambs book of Life
thank you that even a little twinkling star is still a star
thank you that even a little "drawing near to You causes You to draw near to me"

thank you for speaking to me tonight to appreciate, and even celebrate, the
"distinct loveliness" of my wife
not to try to make her over into 'my image' but to "sow seeds of life"

God will have to work that truth into me, so that it comes out of me and strengthens our marriage, but for now i will rejoice in His creating that 'little star' of a truth in my life and i will not get caught up in evaluating it, i will just rejoice that by the grace of God, it exists!!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


nothing comes less naturally to the human heart
than love
we have to fall on our face in repentance and cry out
God I cannot love, love thru me!!

Thursday, September 6, 2007


the sovereign God who is in control of all things
sent "this"

wow put that thought into every situation
and add this

He loves me and wants the best for me
the best for me is to become transformed
more like Jesus

so... "this" is here because my loving God wants
to take the yuk out of me and make me like His Son

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

oswalds' warning

"beware of any belief that makes you self-indulgent...
that belief came from the pit of hellitself,
regardless of how beautiful it may sound" oswald

there are alot of beliefs and teachings out there
that promote a self-indulgent mindset

we are to consider teachings in the light of God
given in scripture

ear tickling stuff is generally a LIE

Sunday, August 26, 2007

abide in Him

"Our only concern is to abide in HIM"
Oswald once again cuts to the chase and reveals
the simplicity of the gospel, which is one of the
things I love and appreciate about the plan of

Thursday, August 23, 2007

go away me

i am not a good father, i get easily annoyed with the kids, all ages all sizes
i see them as 'in the way' not as little offspring to be loved,

i am not a good husband, every little expectation and demand that i make must be met or i brood and sulk and shut down or mumble complainingly

"well that is not the victorious christian life brother"

I beg to differ

"when I am weak then I am strong" I sense like never before that God is bringing me to the end of all of the "good" that I have given myself credit for up to this point and allowing me to see the self-love that still pervades all aspects of me

so "go away me", I am tired of holding up the purposes of God because my "self" is getting in God's way, I want to let go of any idea of my goodness and cling only to HIS mercy and grace amen and amen

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

better sources

better sources for inspiration are out there

i have done the leg work now you
can get the benefit many wonderful articles and whole books
are available videos audio and articles that "call out"
the facade that is American Christianity and call us to the real
true deep thing that it is to be a follower of the Crucified One all sorts of versions and study helps and
a stong's concordance and even the entire text of Oswald Chambers
daily devotional "My Utmost for His Highest" from which i will quote

"Discouragement is disenchanted (or disillusioned) self-love" -- Oswald Chambers

wow oswald, why you gotta be so hard, take it easy on us,
we need understanding and "love" that coddles us and
says "it's ok, Jesus understands"

IT is a hard and narrow way, the hard words aren't so hard
when you understand there is grace upon grace 'from His Fullness'
waiting to bring His Life to our rescue, but how often do we step
in and short-circuit the hard anointed words that bring deep conviction
and repentance
with a "pooh pooh, there there, softening" that is NOT of God

taught a sunday school class this week for 8-11 years olds and they
were very good at giving the "learned answers" and filling in the blanks
and there was
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in the lesson to prepare them for the tribulation
that nearly every true prophet of God says their generation will have to
walk thru ... God help us.... God have mercy on us

Thursday, August 16, 2007


a dad and husband had better be able to put others happiness
before his own
or he is in for a resent-filled life
God give me the grace to rejoice in being a blessing to others
purify my heart make me more like YOU

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Luke 23:48

luke 23:48 And all the crowds who came together for this spectacle, when they observed what had happened, began to return, beating their breasts. (greiving, mourning)

True and deep conversion must have its origin in a deep understanding of the cross, the horror of God's judgement on sin,
"the crowds" this is not the apostle John and 'the women', this is "the crowds" some of whom will carry this burden, till the day when Peter and the 11 stand up and proclaim Jesus, some of these are the ones who will have their hearts PIERCED and CRY OUT, "brethren what then shall we do ?"... this then is the very cry of true and deep conversion... not a hand barely raised in the back of a building with every eye closed to avoid giving the person any "embarrasment"
EMBARASSMENT???!!! God of very God has died for you, suffered for you, your sin, YOUR SIN, true and deep conversion is PIERCED and cries out... "I see it, I SEE IT, my sin caused that, now what must I do to be saved??"

On a personal note i feel more and more lately like a pathetic guitar student sitting at the feet of a master guitarist who plays a beautiful set of chords and then says "Ok now you do it" and I pluck out a screeching, squaking, pale imitation and hang my head wondering if ever my guitar, my life, will sound like HIS... But that is why I carefully chose the name for this blog "victim of relentless affection" a victim has something "done to him, in him" by an outside force, this grace is my hope, this grace is my only hope.

It annoys my spirit to have my kids sitting in church and hear from the speaker, "a clean vehicle is a good witness for God"... are they hearing that, are they thinking, dad doesn't seem to care too much about that?... i pray that they aren't, that God protects their ears from such asinine comments that in my many readings of the Bible i have never ever seen, would john the baptist have had a 'clean machine' or would the pharisee so very very concerned with the outside of the cup been the one more likely to have a 'clean machine' should Jesus have rode into Jerusalem on a nice white stallion, instead of a lowly donkey... oh ... i groan inwardly and will one day groan outwardly!!

i find myself

not living to the degree that grace has called me to live
irritated and irritating

the holy desperation of a true deep conversion experience has never happened in the lives of most american christians and then, in this, not really saved, state they proceed on to baptism.... great.... then the whole
'christian thing' takes on the appearance of a lie because there is no power to overcome or 'live above'

in the year that king uzziah died...
I can see this year being very pivotal for Jerry
he needs our prayers

Monday, August 13, 2007

the prophet is the message

art katz teaching is that the prophet must live and be the message he is sent to speak forth
so how far can I go in an attempt to "be one of the boys" and do the things that will make me "ok" / "a team player" in the eyes of leadership
at what point does the "making nice" invalidate the message that God will one day release thru me,
the message of suffering in the will of God, of apostolic poverty, of going thru tribulation not being raptured out of it, of God's provision for all that He calls us to, of driving around in a stinky old van- because it still works and that is really all that matters,
just thinking that i must be careful not to compromise in a way that will invalidate the truth as I know it, and therefore defeat the message of my life
I don't fit in - not with the money and intelligence and diploma exalting crap - and I am not meant to, and by the grace of God I never will, to those things I am called to be the "troubler of Israel" amen and amen.

Sunday, August 12, 2007


my mentor... grace
my dad... grace
my inspiration.. grace
my salvation...grace
today's best option to help me choose to live the
Christian life....grace

wherever there has been a void in my life
the grace of God has come in and filled it up

thank you God, give me a grateful heart

Friday, August 10, 2007

my yoke

so... second-hand burdens are the hardest ones to carry and bring with them a certain amount of resentment, "why do i gotta do this?"
if the desire is not your own... there is no natural inclination to want to do it.
example: the dishes, if you don't think they need done, but your spouse does and you are doing them only because "they" think they need done...

so the wisdom of Jesus shines thru once again because He invites us to come into HIS yoke, to be so one with HIS heart and HIS desires that we are in HIS yoke, not doing things, just because He says so, that is works and the law and the end of it is death, no, no, no, what needs to happen is we need to actually enter into HIS yoke, doing things because our desire, has become HIS desire, they are the same, death to self is the path to life, and being in HIS yoke, willingly, lovingly, simply because you are responding to HIS love, that is the abundant LIFE

Thursday, August 9, 2007


so in 1986 I felt that Africa with YWAM would be my final destination
I would go there work as a nurse and die there, the church I was in at the time and a prophetic word that God interpreted, stopped that plan, and although my heart for missions remained, no further opportunities came.
21 years later...the need is still great, but here I am in the USA, sitting in a pew, raising a family, watching my wife's ministry grow, 21 years later...

Monday, August 6, 2007

What would YOU have me to do?

that is the thought and it has led to some prayers, some kinder, slower reactions,
some listening, some resting

Sunday, August 5, 2007


so it feels like 70% of the people in our church are "not there" during worship and are most likely not truly deeply converted, but
we move on and have all sorts of messages that are good and timely and bear some fruit, but
70% are going to hell, or will fall away when the tribulation starts
that should be the priority yes or not

Lord what would You have me to do? has been running thru my head today, I hope it continues to...

the sugar or snacks that youth are getting before worship is affecting their worship Anna B was all over the place today, not worshipful like she usually is and i just felt that it was some snack she had been given

John T not there...
"house church" did that idea just go somewhere and die...
ben israel continues to challenge Art Katz died in June

Saturday, August 4, 2007


i like to follow the career of roger clemens (now in steep decline) and when the playoffs roll around i give the game a little attention, but ever since my conversion and the "strike year" when the greedy people didn't even play the world series, I have lost any day to day week to week or even month to month interest in the game
last night was an opportunity to "share" a semi-pro game with some men and youth from my church, it was good to talk to and listen to larry, steve, rich, and ken, so we actually just "used" the game and enjoyed each other and the atmosphere
every life has its own joys and sorrows and unique persepective
pride has kept me from enjoying others and their perspective, by the grace of God that is fading and an openess and love is growing

love is growing (thank you Bo Beredo)

Bo loves people, he remembers names because he loves people, he remembers their story because he loves people, he prayed for me and told me that if I asked for what he has, God would not refuse me, so I asked for it ...and

love is growing

Friday, August 3, 2007

oswald and me and "constraining Him"

sometimes (not often) I get an understanding from God that I can't put into words in a way that would help others to understand... and then along comes oswald chambers to make it all chrystal
clear... July 30th in My Utmost... is the example this date speaks of the disillusionment associated when others let us down and the only God-given protection against that, having your reliance totally, TOTALLY, completely, COMPLETELY on God and God ALONE... but most of the church has become so superficial and shallow that such a thought is outside of the realm of comprehension even when oswald explains it.

"And they constrained Him to stay" so often God appears to be passing by and the people who get more of God are the ones who at that moment, drop everything, give all, forget the prevailing fear of man, and cry out to constrain Him to stay... the two on the road to emmaus, the blind beggar by the side of the road, Jacob at the end of the wrestling match, and many other examples speak of a DESPERATION, not a power exerted, but the desperate whole-hearted plea of one who has no other hope... and there-in lies the problem... we have so very many other "hopes" that we turn to and think will work that do not require the constraining the reputation ruining, all out, utterness, (Art Katz) that is a requirement for getting all of God... and so we go on content with "some of God" and never knowing the truth that can set us free, the faith that can accomplish all things, the imtimacy that knows no other, the oneness of the abiding, unshakable presence of God....

Oh God, give us the grace to be pick up the grace to be a people that constrains You.

Thursday, August 2, 2007


so the main thing the main test the main way that you know whether or not you have been truly and deeply converted is how you handle the bumps in the road and how you handle it when you fail and how you handle it when life is not fair
perseccution and tribulation are the fire and cleansing instruments in the hand of the loving God He is coming back for a pure spotless bride and so persecution and tribulation must come and do their work
expect it

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

needlessly busy

the evil spirit that drives this culture to "never rest" and "fill every moment" with stuff is keeping us from the most precious gift/resource/source of health and healing with have...
intimate time with God
At what point and in whose opinion did getting your kids involved in activities 7 days a week become the way to be a "good parent"?
Our lives reflect this disturbing trend in many areas and we need to actively fight against the "spirit of the age."

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

no guile

no guile Anna B. is worshipping God in Spirit and in Truth with no false motivations
it is such a joy to behold
make us like little children Lord
and shove the choreographed, hard working, practice practice practice stuff back into the
performance driven, works oriented world where it belongs


perserverance-- a long word just means
"do it again, and keep doing it again until God releases you"
so I placed a piece of paper in my Pastor's mailbox today with
what I truly felt is a need in our church, only the grace-filled perserverance
of His relentless affection picked me up off the ground of rejection
to do that again
Jesus is all that matters. If He leads me to do something and I obey. The matter is entirely over, how the person/people react is at it's deepest level meaningless. Jeremiah was told
not to be discouraged by the "looks" he got when proclaiming the Word of the Lord.
My job is to be obedient to what God calls me to do or say.
you may or may not get it right away or even years away, that doesn't matter.

oh and ps thanks to Rich Mullins up in heaven for the phrase Relentless Affection

I am the disciple whom Jesus Loves!!!!!
have a good day

Monday, July 30, 2007

the song

back in the mid 90's i wrote alot of poetry and one of those efforts was "the song"
It is the lyrics to a country style song about a husband who finds out his wife was abused as a child and how he loves her thru her dealings with that

It is great... but you would never know it by how hard it has been to get someone, anyone to put music to it and record it.

Off it goes one more time today to a local guy "cutting" his first record soon.
Charlie Kenney and Fire Creek
we'll see
one of the good things about me I am always optimistic

day 2 random

for any scholars viewing this in the future grammatical, spelling, and punctuation errors are due to lack of time not lack of knowledge

very encouraged on Sat. July 28, 2007, a real bald eagle flew past me and the "little kids" while we were visiting Mill Run in Friendsville MD
that to me is a "sign" from God that the Prophetic is coming

Last night it was revealed to me that my wife is like a flower and I have not been taking care of her like I should, it is strange, but that "picture" or "vision" made me more aware of , what I am not doing and what I need to be doing... you never know what can trigger a "grace-led, grace-empowered change"

Art Katz Ben-Israel, just a huge blessing to me truly gifted teacher.
latest thing to contemplate, the lack of true and deep conversion in most of what is called the church, probably as high as 80% have not truly repented and felt the depth of need and the depth of crying out for mercy necessary for a true and deep conversion .... so we are left with a whole lot of shallow "church-ianity" that looks and sounds like the "world"

I like using this as a journal, probably has no value for anyone else

Sunday, July 29, 2007

in the beginning

my walk often doesn't line up with God
my walk often doesn't line up with anyone around me
I want to journal my walk
and so here we go.

My mission:
To love my wife as Christ loves the Church
(so far I have lifted off and crashed landed and equal number of times)
but relentless love continues to hound me and call me back
Relentless Love is a person Jesus Christ and God the Father and Holy Spirit.

My mission:
To raise my kids to know and love God.
(A long way to go, but currently in the air and making headway against the strong headwind of culture, peers, and my own background/history)

My mission:
To enjoy quiet times of soaking in the Holy Spirit
(so far just a goal, the engines have been on a few times, but, they are cooled off now)

My mission:
To love the people at work, workers and those I serve.
(I have an idea of the cost of this and have not yet truly started to build, although Relentless
Love has pushed me "out there" on a couple of occasions)

My mission:
To keep this blog honest open and transparent, which will probably mean
ugly and filled with many frustrations and moments of ...crap.