Betrayal

 "Only a friend can betray a friend a stranger has nothing to gain.  Only a friend comes close enough to ever cause so much pain."  Michael Card from the song, "Why?"

Re-watched "The Shack" tonight and cried like a baby as the Lord, led Mack to forgive the man who murdered his little girl.  

Forgiveness is the most freeing thing.

Extending forgiveness is one of the times when we are most like God.  His life and power enable us to do something that is impossible for our humanity.

Thank you Lord.

Cyndi Lauper and George Orwell Were Right

 (I recently decided to use the 300 words the local paper gives to a letter to the Editor to express SOME of the issues that are ruining health care, to do a thorough job, I would need 3,000 words.)

Turns out, "Money changes everything." and "All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others." are both very true statements in the current health care environment.  I put in 25 years at a Garrett County nursing home and these are some observations. When I started at the nursing home there were three nurses in nursing administration and one very hard working secretary. On my last day there, we had a new secretary who had an assistant, but the nursing administration had grown to eight RN's plus two RN supervisors who split the coverage on night shift.  Money is the reason all these positions were added. The reimbursement process to get the $120,000 per year necessary to take care of one person (you read that right) is complicated and daunting.  The GNA's and nurses who work the floor, who actually take care of the residents, while administration is secluded in their offices, are required to do more and more data entry every year.  They are required to make four to six entries on each resident about their ability to walk even if the person has not taken a step in years. That is just one example of the load that is being placed on the front line workers, a load which means there is less time to give hands on care to the residents. The eight nursing administration people and the six people in office administration are not giving care to anyone.  The people who are more equal are the RN supervisors. Their behavior can include gossip, spreading rumors and bullying, but because they are supervisors they are more equal than the rest of us.  The whole situation is sad and many very good workers are leaving.  Chuck Bean Markleysburg, PA

Ongoing Investigation into "Going Off the Rails"

 Beautiful night with some very humble, very honest men in a little men's group in a big gathering. 

i think

maybe

i was given some insight into my recent "off the rails" behavior.

Early on, very early on, in my relationship with my wife, it was made clear that my style of humor was not really going to fly, or be appreciated and maybe even have led to misunderstanding and sorrow.

SOOOoooooo....

I buried it and kept it under wraps except for occasionally leaving it out to roam and play sometimes at work or one on one, with my friend Steve.

Now I feel 24 years of God enabled faithfulness, totally due to His mercy and the fear of the Lord, has purchased for me, the grace to let my humor flow.

So it flows and not to surprisingly, it is still not very appreciated.

Oh to only say what the Father is saying.

Oh to only do what the Father is doing. 

John 5:44  No fear of man, seeking to be led by God, impossible without the mercy of God.

It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times

 Dickens was describing my day.

I love that 4 people loved me enough to confront me with my "erratic" "off the rails" behavior of late.

I love that one of them teared up and expressed his love for me in a depth that softened my evil, hard heart.

 I love that we probed together possible causes and solutions.

I love that they all agreed to keep praying and seeking discernment.

So far only my wife has heard from God and what she heard was something like. Just keep supporting and loving the big lug, eventually I will handle everything, eventually, in MY TIME>

I appreciated it but it hurt to think that they could have pictured "drugs" being involved or alcohol.  My dad was an active alcoholic and he did his best with his life after seeing "who knows what" in the Korean War, but overall he would get a D- grade for being a dad.  Literally showing up only occasionally to drop off his very irregular alimony payment, handing me and my sister a $5 bill and leaving without saying a word...."thanks?!"

Drugs have been used by the powers that be to harm many that I love, God's mercy keeps me from that also.  

So that part of it was "the worst of times".

At work tonight, I had a lovely, honest convo with a young woman who is "doing her best" as a single mom with a true, blue, through and through as_hole as a boyfriend, and a world class dick head as an ex-husband (IMVAO).  We strengthened and deepened our friendship.  It was "good for the soul".  People of the opposite sex cannot maintain a pure friendship.  That is bullsh_t!  By  the grace of God and through the mercy of God we are going over 10 years as deep, close, personal friends.  It drives many people crazy and rumors fly all over the place.  Yeshua was alone at the well having a very personal conversation with a woman and a samaritan woman at that, hummmmmmmmmmm.

have a good Sunday and remember, Sunday worship is a gentile invention. The God of Israel chooses to be worshiped on Saturday, by a people who cease from the works of their hands. PERIOD.

"off the rails"

 I once bought my wife a cup that says, "Apparently I'm Dramatic!"  (I never said I was smart.)

Well, lately a few people have given me the impression that I am not being my "usual self" and some have gone so far as to say I am, "off the rails".

Is it a brain tumor?  How about a UTI? Maybe a hormonal imbalance, very late male menopause perhaps?

OR have I just transitioned into the old man, like the oldest member of the Golden Girls show, who just doesn't give a shit about societal standards and is just "shooting from the hip", "letting it fly", "loosing my filter".

I think it is the latter and here is why.

The other day I got pulled over for 75 in a 55 by a Maryland trooper and when he asked if there was any reason why I was speeding, my initial response was, "It's fun."  No doubt that is a true statement, especially when you get to borrow the nice little Civic that is 7 years old but still pretty cool, and you are not driving your 2006 Accord with 283,000 miles that you are trying to baby and keep alive until 310,000 just to set a new record.  (We had a Honda Odyssey go to 300,000 once.) After, "It is fun.", I had a moment of  "Oh boy that probably wasn't a good choice of words." and still in my nursing uniform, I went for pity and said, "I am a nurse and I just got off my shift."  It worked, I only got a warning.  

I recently (for Christmas) got an Indiana Jones style hat and I LOVE it, I wear it everywhere that I can.  It gives me a sense of invincibility, like the kind that my brother had when he came back from the Air Force for the first time and would walk in the middle of the road and say, "I am government property, they can't hurt me."  (He had a grand sense of humor that was very dry and I probably could never tell, is he being funny or serious.) The older people at my nursing home love the hat, almost as much as me. They unanimously endorse me wearing it, even though, societal convention, says, "take your hat off indoors".  Not sure where that custom came from, don't really care, it is a custom, not a "rule" from the Torah!!

I am applying for a job at a local nursing home, the process is going slowly because the Pennsylvania Board of Nursing is notoriously S_L_O_W!  The administrator of the nursing home was on the phone with me, acting like it was my fault that I was not already at her facility and working, slowly as she basically accused me of intentionally slowing the process down, I began to become more and more irritated and I drew closer and closer to telling her to "Blunder Off", "I am a nurse with 30 years experience in Nursing Homes and I am possibly coming to your facility, but guess what, I don't have to come to your shit hole if I do not want to, there are plenty of other fish in the sea."  I did not say that but I did start to become more curt and less tactful in my responses and she got the message.

I am old.

I am a very experienced nurse.

I am a recipient of more mercy from the Throne of God than anyone should ever have access to.

I am a very good repository of "end times truth" because of the amazing people who have poured into me over the years, most of whom are dead or in poor health.  

I am "slightly prophetic" in my understanding of individuals and local gatherings.

I am not, a person who has influence regionally or nationally, so those types of events, and prophecy, belong to others not me.

I am a good friend.

I am a very average husband.

I am a less than average dad, with my pendulum having swung from WAY TOO HARD , to now probably, a good bit too soft, but I love my kids and they know it and they all get along with each other and that means so much to me, I am tearing up as I write this. 

I love the little gathering I am a part of. ("Church" is a ridiculous made up word, that is a totally gentile creation and means nothing whatsoever, "Messiah's Community" with the understanding that HE is the Messiah of Israel is the only proper way to identify a local body, IMO or IMVAO - "In My Very Arrogant Opinion".)

So that is my case that I am just an old man, who has decided not to filter my words and actions, and not a head case that has gone, "off the rails".

Amen.  (Oh and "blunder" is the word I am using in place of f_ck.)