July 29th i started this blog and this was part of the purpose recorded on that day
My mission:To keep this blog honest open and transparent, which will probably mean ugly and filled with many frustrations and moments of ...crap.
so the last couple of posts have been ... well less than "happy happy joy joy"
but a breakthrough, a 'payoff' came this morning as i got up early popped open my Bible and spent some time in 5,6,7 of Proverbs, God was able to speak to me
to point out to me the root of the sin of not loving in the sense of Phil 2:3 "considering others more important than yourself" actually 2 roots i guess
#1 Not truly valuing others, so that i talked myself into NOT laying down my life because others are just going to 'waste' my sacrifice
#2 is connnected, not believing that GOD the sovereign good God would pick me up and provide for me with love and extravagant affection and i do not have to protect myself
so going back a few blogs those are the cures for the sins of selfishness and fear that were at the root of most of my struggles
sooooooooooooo praise God, now Lord, help me, enable me, to walk out these truths and to choose to obey You and love others and trust You every every every every step of the way.