Suicide and Self-Harm

 My brother committed suicide.  We do not know why. We have some guesses, but we don't know why.

Overwhelming sadness? Loneliness?  The knowledge that he was declining physically and could no longer help people?  The thought that his health decline would be a burden on the family?  Some other health problem that his VA records might reveal but that I have never had the courage to check out?

We don't know.

He didn't tell anyone he was sad.

My wife noticed that he left the room that my mother lived in, in the house we grew up in, exactly as it was when she died, but I protested that it was a 3 bedroom house he was the only one living there and there really was no reason for him to get rid of anything. He did not clean the tub and it was getting pretty bad, but I probably made excuses for that too, because he was a bachelor living alone and he could make that choice.

We don't know.

We never had guns in our house because my father who was an alcoholic had threatened the family with guns when I was around the age of 6.  My brother had to go out and purchase a shotgun and ammunition with this specific act in mind.

My brother had all of his insurance and bank records and everything we would need to access his files in a plastic bag inside of the truck, that he drove to a quiet remote location.

My brother sat in the bed of that truck and pointed the gun under the front of his neck and aimed it at such an angle that he blew the back portion of his head off.

Some hunters found my brother, my sister was called, her friend Caroline came with her, and by the grace and mercy of God, her friend Caroline who knew my brother identified the body. 

My sister called my niece and early in the morning on April 4th, I don't know what year because my mind refuses to keep track of that kind of stuff.  I received the phone call in the basement of our house, no idea what I was doing down there at the time. No idea. I could not comprehend what my niece was saying. The words she was saying did not line up with the reality of my brother as I had always known him. 

Did I know him?  Apparently not, he went through a divorce that he called the hardest thing he had ever went through, incredibly painful. He had married a young girl right out of high school who was just trying to escape her family situation.

Finances forced this young couple to live with my mother. That did not go well and as soon as he could on a "Sears" salary, he purchased a home that was small and needed a lot of work. 

He was not a "let's go out and bar hop and have fun" type of a guy.  Our father was an alcoholic, and he treated my brother badly, very badly, so alcohol was never associated with fun. This young bride, wanted to go out and dance and "enjoy that scene".  

They stayed together as long as they could, then she began cheating on him.  The divorce went smoothly as those things go, he gave her the house in exchange for no further contact with her, no alimony (no kids were involved, he had gotten a vasectomy).  

Like I said in a rare moment of emotional honesty, he told me that was THE MOST PAINFUL THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HIM.

She went on to have a baby with the person she was cheating with him and as far as I know she still lives in that house, I don't really care, because when you hurt my brother you hurt me and I am as DONE with you as he was, have a nice life.

When he committed suicide she got in touch with us and wanted to be invited to the tiny little service we had at his grave side. I think we said "no".  I don't really remember. The days after his death are a blur.

Companies give you 3 days off for the death of your brother or your mother. Each time that happened to me I came back to work after 3 days still in a fog of pain and grief and only by the grace of God was I able to function and pass pills. 

His death still ambushes me and the grief I feel is palpable.  I could use his humor, his advice, his strength. I wish he could see my kids going through their milestones. I wish I had his support when I am feeling overwhelmed. I wish I knew why he was hurting so.

Suicide and self-harm is a situation that causes me to shut down.  

Right now, I am "shut down".  thanks for listening.

The News and a Day That Will Live in Infamy

 It is a sad thing to see how many people are being misled by the news.  Followers of the Messiah have access to discernment and the Truth, but more and more they are ignoring that and putting all their trust in the talking heads.  Why?  It is easier, it is a broad way, whereas, discernment and Truth are a narrow way.  The Love of Truth is the protection from a powerful delusion sent from God on the people of the Last Days.  Burden us with prayer for each other to be saved from this delusion.

and

I have not been able to shake off the events of this day from years ago.  I try, believe me I try, but this remains the day my brother took his own life.  That fact hangs over this day, like a cloud blocking the sun.  I cannot recall the day of death of any one else in my life, but suicide hits differently.  It is a gut punch that does not stop.  I haven't found a way to soften or lessen the feeling, so there it is, and here I am.  His death by his own hand, is a before and after event in my life.  

Onward.

Time Doesn't Change Things, The Day of the Lord Does!

 My brother's suicide crashed in on me again tonight.  

I don't know how long it has been since that day.

It doesn't matter.

Time doesn't change anything about that day.

Time doesn't heal anything about that day.

You know what will change everything?

The Day of the Lord!

We live in "this evil age".  The ruler of this world will be thrown down soon and his wrath will be like nothing that has ever been seen.  The reality of the 3 1/2 year fade to black of his kingdom will drive him to power-filled deeds of darkness.  The remnant people of God will lay down their lives willingly, sacrificially as a manifestation of the Life of the Lamb that was slain.  This Final Witness will testify to the chosen people that their God reigns, no matter what the circumstances will be shouting.  The God of Israel will meet with His people in the wilderness, face to face.  Hosea will have Gomer's love once and for all because Love Never Fails.  The Day of the Lord changes everything.  The cost that will be paid before that day will seem extravagant to those who are not aware of the joy set before us in the glorious Kingdom of our Lord.  The cost will seem extravagant to those who do not know we are living in "this evil age" and it must come to a close. We must make clear the field we are playing out these end times on.  We must pray that eyes will be opened and truth will be revealed.

My brother's suicide crashed in on me again tonight, but one day the devil is gonna hang on his own gallows!  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pupsopSaJ8

God's Four Dimensional Love and Suicide

Paul's prayers were so simple and true, that we would grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus the Messiah, that we would come to know the height, the width, the depth the breadth of God's love.

Wayne Monbleau pointed out years ago that is a four dimensional love and we are 3 dimensional beings, so there is an aspect of God's love that is totally alien to us, beyond us.

Suicide cuts us off from the ability of God to restore and heal in this life.  As my friend Malory accurately states, suicide stems from hope dying and giving way to despair.  A person can have faith and love but their hope can crash and burn and in a moment of time.

Now the fourth dimension of love comes in, the dimension that goes beyond and is separate from this life.  The dimension that speaks to dry bones.  The dimension that is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and mocks those who do not trust in the resurrection power of God.

Suicide leaves a gaping hole in this life, but once again our call is not to trust in what we can see, but in what we cannot see.  The wounds in His hands and His side lead me to a place of accepting whatever cup the Father chooses for me.  A cup that promises healing, grace and restoration for the lost and hurting world.  A cup that releases grace and mercy to brethren, that the world will see as true love.  Attraction not promotion.

Away With You

The truck my brother sat in the bed of when he committed suicide, was taken away to a junk yard today.  The lot where it was impounded after the police investigation, did not want it, so I had to drive it "home" to our old house, and it has sat there waiting for legal stuff to be handled, before it could be disposed of. 
He never liked it.  It was a Ford and he was a Chevy man, he only got it because once years ago I had borrowed his Chevy truck after a heavy snow and rolled it on its side damaging the whole side of the truck.  He repaired everything with putty and paint and the poor thing looked like the two-face character from Batman with one side nice and one side messed up bad.  So eventually he had to replace that Chevy and the only thing he could find  was this blue Ford, so he got it, only intending to keep it, until, he could find a Chevy.


He never did find one.


He had told people his legs were bothering him and he wouldn't be able to cut their grass this year, but that was the only clue we had that anything was wrong.


Dead air, that is what they call it when a radio station has silence being broadcast.  Paul Simon in his "The Sound of Silence" song speaks of superficial communication that creates emptiness.  True communication is intimate, revealing, vulnerable, accepting.  It is a rare gift in this world, and the Satanic plan is to make it more and more rare.


So AWAY WITH YOU old nasty truck of death
and AWAY WITH YOU superficial communication.


God help us, make us a people who have true, intimate communion with You, and with each other, and in that LOVE we will make You known.


 ^"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another"  John 13:35